Example

It’s hard for you to understand these things, isn’t it? The way your body moves with the air outside as you lie quietly sleeping on your cozy bed. Full of pride and lust, you are completely and utterly alone. Still. And yet, there is a tiny portion of your heart that is beating. That beats for another. Yes. But now, still, you wonder what it is all for.

You get up out of your bed, as you always do, and pack up your bags. It’s time to go. And as you make your way to that place that you’ve been so many times before, you wonder. You wonder if the woman you love is truly the woman that you want to be with for the rest of your life. You wonder if family even matters when it comes to these things. As if the whole world were to tilt in your favor and pour out blessings upon blessings on your head.

The world shifts for those who favor it.

And you know this. It’s why you can’t get yourself to make a vow to her. She is alone now. Crawling out of bed like you. Except she has duties. More or less. And you with your odd dilemma of hiding so much yet giving so much in return.

You take a step and enter the old vehicle that you’ve driven for so long. The cold autumn air outside and the fog lifting to give way to your path. You flip through the radio stations, and nothing will suffice. Nothing will break you free of your monotony. You’ve done well up to this point—a little virgin boy grasping for straws. With such imagination, you’ve entered her a thousand times—with her insides open ready to receive you and take you in. She has loved you, from start to finish.

The time you met was remarkable. It was in grade school. Her—being so caught up with how others thought of her, and you distressed, being so non-chalant with your words formed an unlikely bond. A bond that would not break to this day and would send you both spiraling into oblivion.

Or worse yet—a personal hell.

Nothing would break you two.

Nothing.

You would dance that evening in high school, as you took her hand and flung it around, chanting Maria, Mariain your head. She glanced at you with shy eyes and almost cried because she knew that she loved you.

But you were unsure.

And years later, you would finally come to understand that she was more than what she was, or what you thought she was capable of. A woman born of your ancestors, but far removed from what you ever could imagine. In the likeliest sense, Maria was tout from the start. A woman who received praises from everyone, even outside her circle. When she grew into her late teens you were there. And when she matured into now, you kept holding that hand and would dance until she broke, and you would always swing her back to you as if nothing in the world could keep you from the love of your life.

Even now. More than ever.

And as you take the wheel of your car and nearly drive it off a bridge, you slow down and watch as the other cars pass you by driving in the city. You wish you were like them. So casual and free. Yet, so pulled by a stronger force that controlled them, guided them.

You feel misguided, don’t you?

You feel as though the world owes you something more. Like everything you’ve ever done in life has failed you up to this point. And this is the pinnacle. Getting married to your lover that you’ve known all your life. Maria, maria.

Out of the haze of the city you are lifted into something new. Reborn. You take the wheel and press on the accelerator. Harder. Faster. As it drives you to want her more. You desire her. And for so long you’ve wanted her in your arms, laying naked against that cozy backdrop where the kids play outside, and hope seems to be restored.

You think of it always.

And as you step on the accelerator you dream of that moment. And one day you will get her.

***

You know how this will end. In a way, it isn’t all about you. The friends and family line up outside your door. And you hear a knock. It’s your mother. She is wearing that blue/purple garment that she wore when you came of age. All padded with luxury and the finest things a woman of your stature could have.

Except you feel alone. Why?

Diana walks into the room. “Where is Joe, honey?” She has a look of remorse, and solemnity. But she wants to make you happy. You always needed to be happy. There was no one quite like your mother. Frail, yet strong. On the inside. And your father—you wonder how he became like this. The monster that he was.

You imagine him pushing you on the swing when you were a child. You would look up to the sky and cry because you felt no other love, like the father who bore you. And gave you this life. And in a way, maybe there is a father up above who loves you. But you wish he would take care of you because you don’t feel it right now. And your imagination runs cold.

Inside you are crying. “Mother, please don’t this time. Joe will be here shortly. I must try on the dress first.”

And as you wade through endless boxes of cut up ribbon and wrapping, going through endless amounts of thread and clothing, putting on the right bachelorette dress never seemed so fitting for this time. You feel like this dress is your escape. You can wear whatever you want—but the wedding dress was safe. It was a way to conceal your memories and those dark passengers that threatened your livelihood.

Maybe it was your father trying to tell you something?

“Please tell me what’s wrong Maria?” Your mother questions. “You haven’t been the same since the last time I saw you.”

“I just need some space that’s all. I’ve been stressed about the wedding. And friends. Cynthia almost canceled on me, and Kelly wants to go somewhere else for the bachelorette.

You frown.

“It isn’t up to them my dear where you go. It’s your decision. This is about you.”

“But I want them to be happy.” You take the ribbon from one of the boxes and nest it gently in your hair.

“When I was your age, we had to make everyone happy. But now we don’t. It’s different times now. You know that.”

“I just wish everyone would be calmer and more relaxed. It drives me nuts sometimes.”

There is a likelihood you could be wrong. Everyone is just playing their part and you are along for the ride. Many have wept at the altar of others. And have bled for them.

You don’t though.

“Here take this,” Diana pulls a gem out of her purse and hands it to you while tears fill her eyes. It’s a stone of some sort. Maybe a remembrance of former times. Maybe something that she wanted to give you for a long time.

“What is it?” You look surprised.

“I may have told you about this for a while, but it was given to me by your father. He always said that he would save himself for marriage and that I was a prize. We would go fishing on the lake and he would go out and disappear for a while. Sometimes I got afraid. But he told me there was this quarry that had natural onyx and quartz crystals beside the mountain lake. He found one for me. Said I was always his prized possession.”

“Mother—”

“No, take it. It’s for you. He gave it to me, and I often think of him. I wish he was here to see this day.”

You look frail like your mother. As your eyes drown in tears you sink back to the chair and take a deep breath. A part of you wants to know so badly what he was like. And the other part wants to forget it all.

You imagine him with big hands and a burly chest. Coming home tired and taking your mother in his arms with joy. You wonder if Joe will do that to you. After his long day of work in the fields. The cattle shifting their gaze through the window to find you both naked and unashamed.

You can’t let go of how Joe will be there to see you. How he will sweep you off your feet and allow you to be free again. But you know that things will change when you tell him.

You just don’t know how. Yet.

***

You make your way out of the car and go inside to her. You want her badly. She knows this. You’ve been waiting for years. A part of you wants to take her now, ravish her. It’s only 7 days until the day. When you can have all of her.

She looks at you with remorse. You kiss her on the head and hold her still. Squeeze her arms and gaze into her soft blue eyes.

She is beautiful like your mother. Except you never knew your mother. She died when you were young. Your father raised you and was harsh. A cruel master.

You always wanted to please him. For these sins would catch up to you.

“Guess who has a big surprise for you?”

Maria smiles at you as you ask so delicately out of nowhere. She glances out of the window as the evening sun goes down on her travail.

“I don’t know what surprise you have, but it will be interesting to say the least,” Maria nods. “I wanted to let you know though that we are going to Greece for the bachelorette, the flights are cheaper.”

“And how did you muster that? I thought your mother wasn’t giving you any more money?” You ask in a contrite sort of way.

“She had some more laying around. She told me her sister gave her some of her savings. But I don’t believe it.”

“Yeah, she was always brutal with her words and her money.”

You both look at each other in vain. There is a casual air that surrounds you both. Flittering. As if the world has bent backwards because it is shifting in mild platonic undertones.

You don’t know each other.

There is something more.

So you go to the kitchen. Grab a bit to eat.

“You want anything?”

Maria puts the ribbon and curls up from her hair and puts them in a box. “I’m good for now. Mother brought a charcuterie board over and the girls all dug in it. I’m stuffed.”

You nod into the air and sigh a deep relief. The fields have grown cold with your way of being. Everything in your life was dull up to this point, but Maria colored it with nuance and adventure. She was perhaps the best known woman you have ever laid eyes on. And you would never let her go.

Not for anything. Or anyone. Ever.

You glance at the TV. The air grows colder, and you shut the window. You sit down and flip through the channels. Maria walks to the kitchen to grab a drink and goes to the bathroom. You can hear her rummaging around. Going through boxes. Getting ready for the move.

Both of you will be leaving this place in a week or two.

Married. Lovers. United. Together.

“Love, what do you want to watch?” You shout hoping for her to hear you.

But she doesn’t.

Just a cold silence. And you wait, nibbling on a cold sandwich and what is left of the day’s ordeal. You bite into a small piece of cheese and swash back the champagne. It’s bubbles rising to the top before it pours down your dry throat.

The fields bring in so much for you. Your hands blistered often and cold from moving heavy equipment and dirt. You are tired. But you can’t imagine how tired you will be even more shortly. Your work sometimes brings you to your knees. And you can’t wait to leave it all behind.

Maria steps out of the bathroom tugging at her hair. The thick curls let loose from a day of pampering and getting ready for the big day.

“I wish we could go to France, maybe Paris for the honeymoon,” she laughs while teasing you.

You still have not told her where you will go. You want it to be a surprise.

“Well, the only place I am telling you where I’m going is the mountains this weekend before the big day. That’s where I plan to have a few more of these, except times that by 5 and then some,” you laugh jokingly.

She reaches out to you, and you tickle her thighs. She giggles in return, and you send her off to her magical world where she lies dormant on the couch hoping that one day you will always look her in the eye the way you do now.

“I think we should sell everything. Run away together. For good.” You look at her intently enough to be serious but a little half-heartedly because she knows you’re only half joking.

“But where are we going to go? You can’t stand to be away from the mountains. And your land…are you going to sell it?” She looks at you with pride as if the whole world hangs in the balance and there is nowhere else to go.

“We could have a winter home. Maybe south somewhere. I mean, we are free to do whatever we want. Go wherever. Nothing is holding us back.”

Maria lifts her gaze to you. She can’t hold a smile and looks down slowly. She runs her gaze up and down her leg and across her belly then looks back at you. Smiles. Then drowns out her gaze with a deeper smile, half faking it.

“You do know that right?” You ask wanting something more from her.

“Yes, I do.”

“Okay then, so let’s do it. What’s holding you back?”

“Nothing. Nothing is.” And she tilts her head to look out the window where her reflection can be seen against the silhouette of the dark mountains and their blue haze.

You get up and laugh. You know that something doesn’t seem right, so you leave the room. You go into the bedroom and look at old photos—memories that will be used at the wedding. Some of them you don’t want to see but must because it’s important to Maria.

You stare out the window and then head to the bathroom.

It smells of lavender and perfume.

You pull down your pants and look at yourself in the mirror. When you flush the toilet you notice a white stick with purple writing on it. You can’t make out what it is, but you wonder and you have an inkling.

You dig through the trash to get a better view of it. The words form out of nothingness, and you can barely hold your breath any longer as you stare right at it and it will haunt you for the rest of your days.

Two double purple lines form around the words PREGNANT.

You throw it back in the trash gasping for air.

Outside Maria is cleaning up dishes in the kitchen.

She is waiting for you. But you can’t move.

You are held hostage by your disbelief. You are consumed by your fatal thoughts.

Is this for real? You ask yourself silently.

You have never given yourself to anybody, not even Maria. And you promised never to. And you thought the same of her. Only now, it seems obvious something else is going on here.

But how?

You open the door, and it slams against the wood paneling.

Maria is busy doing the dishes, putting them away and lost in her own world.

“What is this? Is there something you’re not telling me?” You have a look of death on you.

“What’s going on? What do you mean?” She asks. “Are you alright?

“I see what’s going on. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what? What are you talking about?

“You’re pregnant! And you didn’t think to tell me? How? Why?”

“I... I...”

“No, don’t say anything! You’ve been keeping this a secret. How the hell do you think this makes me feel? How in the hell are you pregnant? We’ve never done it. I’ve…”

“Look, I don’t know. I was going to tell you. Please…Joe.”

You race back into the bathroom and look at the pregnancy test.

Positive.

And you are sure that your world will never be the same from that moment on.

***

There is a place you know you can go to. Outside it is bright and lonely. But inside it is dark and menacing. It comes from within.

You stand on the threshold of what could be and could not be. You stand amazed at how far you’ve come. How you got here in the first place.

You look at your watch. 3pm. Time to go.

Your friends stand beside you at the gate. It is miles away. You’re at the airport. Waiting.

“I think we should get a couple beers,” Tony says.

“No, we are going to have enough of that this weekend!” Brad chimes in.

You look sullen. Like the life has been sucked out of you. You want to throw up. Or maybe throw yourself over the liftgate and tarmac. Maybe you will fall to your death. It would be an easy blow. One minute here, the next gone.

Instead of a wedding. A funeral.

How would that be?

But you can’t. You can’t seem to move. Inside of you a million thoughts stream endlessly, repeating themselves back to you. Haunting you.

“Joe, you alright?” Nathan asks worried. “You seem a little off my man!”

They all pat you on the back and the next thing you know is that you are on a Boeing 737 whisked away to your favorite mountain destination.

When you arrive, the air is subtlety cold. You are tired.

The refrain from the past weeks has been bitter. You don’t know how to handle what news came your way. Shocked and dismayed, you resort to yourself. You look at old photos on your phone and imagine that this will be the last time you ever go on a trip.

Your friends wave you down as you get out of the rental car and pick your bags out of the backseat. They are astonished at the surroundings. It’s everything any young man could dream of who loves the outdoors—a firepit out back, guns and ammo in a glass case, and endless TV networks with booze waiting for you.

A man’s dream.

But you are tempered with by the sheer horror of what it might be like to be a father.

You hated your father. He was a misfit. A rebel. He didn’t want to work or raise you.

Would you become like him? Would this be your demise?

Tony throws a football at you from the doorway. “You’re up chief!”

They all salute you from the inside as you make your way in with the bags. Beers, and other mixed drinks are poured, and the smell of fresh BBQ awaits you on the kitchen counter. Catering time. Indeed.

But you are lifeless. You stroll to the bathroom and look in the waste can. It’s cleanliness echoes back to you. And you have a flashback of when you first saw it. When you discovered the truth.

Outside your friends are huddling around the campfire and making smores. You head to the bedroom and shut the door.

The pillow looks soft, and you start bashing your fist into it and screaming at the top of your lungs pressing your face against its cold silky fabric. This was the only time recently where you could express your feelings. Your soon-to-be wife was not the one to show much affection for at this time. Especially after the news.

You hear a knock and it’s Alfredo. “What’s going on man?”

“It’s alright, nothing man,” you grin while trying to cover your pain.

You hope he didn’t hear anything, and you are sure he didn’t.

“I think this is great. I mean all of us here. Together, at last. Maybe for the last time?”

You look at him with sad eyes, expecting him to say something more but you frown and say, “I think there might be some more times we could make this happen.”

A lie really. Because you know that it won’t. Not with a child on the way.

“You haven’t been yourself. I can read you ya know?” Alfredo glances down at your hands that are shaking, but you know that he doesn’t notice. It’s not that visible.

Everything just seems too blown out of proportion. Like everything and everyone can hear your thoughts. Maybe it’s something else that’s telling them. Maybe they already know the news. So, you hide in your thoughts. You go to that place that seems safe, the only place where you can run free now. There is nowhere else you can go.

Tony and Mark come in. One of them hands you a beer. Mark sits down next to you, “Man I thought this place would have some strippers but we all know you are too good for that Joe.”

“I could have sworn they would at least have Penthouse mags instead of the Bible stuffed in these drawers,” Tony says.

“Yeah, yeah. We aren’t having any of that right Joe?” Alfredo leans back on the bed while siding with you and your thoughts. It’s like he knows.

“Yeah, but I got to tell you guys. It’s something I should let you know before we get a little wild this weekend.” You look around the room searching for how to say it. You want them to notice, to understand. Maybe you can brush it off, but it won’t work. You must tell them the truth.

“Maria and I are going to have a baby. She is pregnant.”

The room grows cold and silent.

Each of the friends looked at one another as if the world turned against itself and hurdled out into the far reaches of space.

You sit motionless and try to withstand any remarks, maybe a doubtful seed cast into your corner. But there is nothing for a moment. Just the sound of the clock hanging on the wall and the stuffed animal heads displayed one by one staring back at you.

Death’s surprise.

“That’s amazing!” Mark yells. “How on earth man? We thought you were a virgin?”

“That’s the thing. I am. We don’t know…or at least I don’t know how it happened. We’ve never had sex.”

“Man so you meaning to tell us that she just up and got pregnant out of nowhere? Seems kind of shady. You aren’t telling us the whole truth.” Tony adds.

“Yeah, that’s true. That’s true. But we don’t know a lot right now. I mean we think it’s some kind of miracle. Like maybe she could still be a virgin, just with child.”

“That’s a bunch of nonsense. That can’t be scientifically possible. That’s all Biblical stuff man. Ain’t happening in real life!” Mark yells.

“Yeah, but I saw the pregnancy test. Matter of fact, that’s how I found out. Maria never even told me.”

“She never told you?!” Alfredo yells. “A girl like that? She ought to have told you. That’s kind of shady don’t you think?”

“I mean…sure. I’ve always trusted her though. I practically see her every day. I go over there, cook for her, mow her lawn, go to the grocery store. We see each other all the time. There is no way on earth she could have done something with another guy. I’m with her all the time!”

Your hands start to shake.

The friends in the room grow silent. The noise from the cars outside on the highway echoes through the room and there is a slight sense of apprehension going around. They all look at each other and you stare motionless out the window. You get up and open the window slightly letting in a cold draft.

“You alright my man,” Tony asks. “I mean we believe she may have cheated on you, my man. And if she did, why?”

You look back at him in anger. A part of you wants to bash the window out and run away. You want to go back inside yourself and escape this torture.

But you can’t.

“You should ask her flat out man if you don’t feel like this could be you. I mean, yeah, we believe you and everything. And we are happy for you. But how can this be? A virgin having a baby? Seems crazy.” Alfredo points out while grabbing a beer from the kitchen.

“I tried to keep everything together but it’s hard. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Well let’s start by celebrating. If you’re having a kid, then this is like the last weekend you will ever have to yourself man!” Mark yells.

“Yeah, you are right.” You look at them all and smile. “I waited this long with her, and I feel this is how she repays me? But I want to marry her still. I love her. I can’t let her go now.”

“You can’t marry someone who cheats on you though man, and that’s just it—ain’t no one a virgin if they are having a baby,” Alfredo says.

That night you all huddle under the stars as the smoke fills the air and alcohol fills your veins. You step back for a while and watch as your friends laugh around the fire pit. You look up and a shooting star flashes across the night sky. And you fade into the darkness as lingering thoughts cloud your mind and take control.

***

Have you ever wondered how one soft touch could land someone in a state of sheer bliss? You wonder this as you touch yourself all over. You rub your legs and take the cream and lotion, lathering it up and down your belly.

You are with child.

And someday it will grow up to be big and strong. Maybe like you. On the inside.

No one will ever know the pain that you hide. Maybe you can share it with the child, and it will understand your dilemma. How you conceived and gave birth to it and hid the secret from so many for so long.

You wanted to tell everyone at first, but you couldn’t. So, you wrapped yourself in the wedding planning, forgetting that you had other things to think about. Like how you would tell your mother? Or would you let the baby go?

You couldn’t stand to be alone.

So you filled your days planning and giving of your time. Once you got the results you were shocked.

How could this be?

You saved yourself for so long. And Joe…how would he feel after you told him?

But you couldn’t do that. You couldn’t tell the man you love. He might disown you. Trash you, like the thoughts you have toward yourself.

“Maria…are you ok in there?” Cynthia knocks at the door.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Almost done.”

You wrap the bath towel around your soaking body and dry off. You look at yourself in the mirror and hold your belly.

One day there will be a child all grown up and out of the womb. Maybe it’s a boy or girl. Maybe it will be like you. But whatever happens you know that nothing will ever be the same again.

The girls are laughing in the other room.

You get dressed and head out. There is music in the background. Snacks everywhere. Pink and purple balloons float everywhere and one of the girls runs up to you and hands you a champagne glass.

You hesitate.

You know that you can’t drink now. And even though you took a glass last week, you were certain it wouldn’t affect the baby, or at least a part of you didn’t care. You wanted to drown yourself in your misery. Maybe an angel would come and pluck you out of your hole and take you to another place. Maybe it would be painless.

“I need to tell you all something,” you say with a frown.

One of the girls gets up and turns down the music from the speaker. All of them look up in surprise as if the world stopped.

“I’m pregnant,” you say with a sharp tone.

The room is silent. You can almost here a pin drop. And for a moment the pin seems to bounce off the floor and head right back toward you, piercing your chest and stabbing you right in the center of your heart.

The girls all look up in unison.

Miranda gets up and runs toward you. She is happy with a smile on her face. She reaches out to hug you, but you remain cold and unchanged.

Kelly gets up and puts down her champagne glass. “I knew it I knew it I knew it!” she yells. “I knew something was off!”

The other’s get up—Addie, with her hair pulled down, ties it back up and runs toward you hugging you while crying. And Cynthia, astonished, but empathetic, and happy.

You look at them and the tears flow down your face. “I don’t know how this happened. Joe and I…we…we’ve never done it.”

“This is so crazy,” Kelly says. “You mean you are still a virgin, girl?!”

“Yes, I am. The test came out as positive. Joe and I have never slept with each other. We are virgins and promised to each other that we would be until the day we got married.”

“That’s wonderful news, my lovely!” Addie says, holding tightly to your arm.

“We need to celebrate more than ever now,” Cynthia adds.

They all walk to the kitchen and grab a box.

It contains smaller gifts wrapped inside, each a different color.

“Let’s open these. It will cheer you up,” Kelly says handing you a gift.

But you can’t.

You want to scream. But you don’t know how to. Everyone seems happy for you, except yourself. And you can’t leave. You feel trapped. Like you must play a role.

And indeed. The show must go on.

For you are its star pupil.

***

Sometimes all it takes is for a little seed to grow. And from that there will be wellsprings of life flowing from the core. Deep down inside there is life that will forever change one. And out from that seed many more will form to spread life.

And the life that you give, someone is waiting to take it away. And so, the process repeats itself. It is the circle of life. A pattern. A showcase. There is no going back. Not this time. No.

For outside, the birds are chirping, and the wedding bells are ringing. The friends and family are gathered. And there is hope.

Sometimes all it takes is for one seed to die. And then growth can occur.

But on this day, there is hope. For the seed that both Joe and Maria planted will be there to haunt them each and every day. The life that they forged together will one day come back and show them the memory of who they are, and what they’ve become.

Only the seed that they planted might not have been sown together.

Maria looks up and gives her vows, repeating everything the minister says.

Joe, in turn, says his vows, and repeats back.

Together they are intertwined in marriage. In harmony. In love.

Nine months later Maria gives birth to Samuel. He is fair, with dark skin and dark hair. His eyes shine forth like the noonday sun. Maria cries out as he enters the world and Joe holds her hand like the time he spun her around for the very first time when they were on the dance floor.

Both of their worlds spinning further and further apart, yet so close.

And on the eve of his 24^th birthday Joe sits in the dark and holds baby Samuel cradling him close as Maria sleeps on the bed. The thick cool air coming through the window and blowing little Samuel’s hair. Joe covers him with a wool blanket made from the little sheep outside.

He looks out at the fog as it lifts and gives way to morning dew. The sheep graze in the pasture in the distance and Joe kisses Samuel on the cheek, his skin soft and new.

Maria rolls over.

Joe looks at her and frowns.

He puts Samuel back in his bed. And goes to the other room.

He lays down on the bed, his skin cold to the touch. A tear falls from his eyes. He always dreamed that one day life would be better. That it would be free. That maybe one day he would travel the world with his wife. That maybe he would sell the farm and live off the earnings.

Maybe everything he did had a reason to it.

But he stopped short of a tear and wiped his wet eyes.

The letters would speak back to him. They would call out to him from time to time. He kept them because he wanted to be reminded that maybe there was life out there on the other side watching over him.

That maybe if he kept himself, he would be rewarded with life.

And as he flipped through the letters written in ink, forged in lies, and fraud he felt a sense of despair clouding his mind.

He knew that he had been dealt a heavy hand.

Maria got up in the other room to check up on Samuel.

He could hear her steps going back and forth from the bed to the cradle.

And as he went through the letters, of her infidelity, gazing at them one by one, he noticed the one letter that kept him sane. The one letter that showed him who she really was.

Not only a liar, but a cheat.

The way the dark passenger would come inside his home and rip her open and take her away from him. How he would pour his love inside her and plant a seed that would tear them apart.

He would do this repeatedly, until she bled. And he wondered if her moans would be real.

If her pleasure was everything he imagined it to be.

And he wished upon himself that he could somehow disappear and make it all right.

Like an angel reborn.

But he can’t.

For his thoughts betrayed him. And he was often plagued with this one:

Are we all God’s children? Including her??